I Want to Fail to Fear Failure

Failing, I've recently realized is my worst fear.  It drives me more than I would like to admit

I was that kid that cried when she got a B on her report card and as I grew up I would be disappointed if I got a low A on a test.  I'm a perfectionist what can I say?

Now, the pursuit of excellence is not always vanity.  It really depends on why you do it?   Is it out of love for God or fear for failure or maybe a little bit of both?

I long to please God in every action, but Satan always wants to take what is pure and make it corrupt.  He can take that longing and add fear too it.  This is what theologians may call legalism.

Legalism is when the fear of displeasing God overtakes you to the point where you can not longer enjoy life because your worried about what God will think of you.

Legalism has been a struggle with me.  As a perfectionist and a person who fears failure, it sometimes can be easy for me to do things with a legalistic bent.

This reminds me of a story in the bible:

"The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group  and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”  They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger.  When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”  Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.  Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

 “No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin." (John 8:3-11).

I have come to realize that a fear of failure is like picking up the stone and throwing it at yourself after Jesus gave you freedom.  How prideful am I?  That I think I'm a better judge of myself than Jesus is.  Jesus has no condemnation for me, then why should I condemn myself?

Yet my fear of failure runs deeper.  I recently gone through an experience that brought me more grief than it really should of.  The only reason why it wrecked me is because I saw the situation as a failure.  The thought that I failed caused me to suffer a whole lot more than the sensitive situation did.  

We should want to succeed and do our best, but that should be driven out of love not out of fear.  

God is showing me that He doesn't always want a perfect situation; He wants to teach us something even if that means we have to get a little bruised along the way.  

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

At the end of the day, we have to know that God isn't counting our failures but watching us with a smile as we grow and learn.  He doesn't count our falls but sees direction we are walking.  

God doesn't want perfection; He already has it with Christ.  All He wants for us is to do our best.  

So lets make an effort to not condemn ourselves or be afraid of failure.  But embrace the fact that God has already won the battle; we just need to decide which side we are on.