#1in6

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. In honor of this week, I felt like it was time to share my struggle with infertility. Up until now, it's been too hard to share this publicly. However, now that I'm ready to share, I hope that for others that are apart of this club they won't feel alone. 

Let's just say I'm a passionate all or nothing person. So, when it came time for my husband and I to talk about having kids, there was a bit of a "do or do not, there is no try mentality." I had lots of research. I had tracked my cycle for 2 years. I had done preliminary fertility tests just in case. So that when we started "trying," whatever part was in my control I didn't leave up to chance. I can be a little (not a little) Type A, obsessive in the details, and a control freak. I thought maybe just maybe these idiosyncrasies would be in my favor this time not to my demise. 

Not this time...

Every month is like an emotional rollercoaster of hope and disappointment. As a believer, I started questioning my faith. Maybe I just don't have enough faith, hope, contentment....something. Maybe there is a lesson. Well, if so, I'm going to hurry up in learn it because I'm not sure I can take one more month on this rollercoaster. 

Let me just pause and say this is terrible theology. God if full of grace and mercy. A gracious and merciful God doesn't withhold good gifts just to spite you. You don't have to earn his gifts. If you did, you never could. However, I will say as a recovering legalist, that lie is a familiar one. 

In the days when my cycle would start over, and all hope was lost. I would cry, throw a fit, get angry, sob...let's just say go through the stages of grief. In the early parts "trying", I was mad at myself, like come on it's just been a couple months why are you so sad. In the later months, I was mad at myself for getting my hopes up again and again. 

Having faith in God, isn't about having faith that he will do something, it's having faith in what he's already done. It wasn't about my faith or my hope or the lesson I was inevitably going to learn. Quite frankly, I'm not sure what it is all about, but what I do know is that on the darkest nights, the nights when I wanted to turn and walk away, God held me fast. 

So, yes. I'm 1 in 6. My husband and I are unlikely candidates. We are young, healthy and there is nothing medically wrong that would say it wouldn't have happened for us. Yet, month after month, it didn't happen. 

This would be a long post, if I explained everything I went through last year, but I do want to say one thing. After 6 months of trying, I went to "natural" doctor. They tested a ton of things and I left feeling like everything is wrong with me. They had all these reasons that may be contributing factors to why I couldn't get pregnant. But nothing was a clear sign, and even they said there is no reason you can't get pregnant naturally. So, I left that appointment and the seed of a lie began to fester. It's because of your anxiety.

If you know me, anxiety has been the thorn of my side for a long time. It's the battle I fight each morning. Most days I'm high-functioning but only because of my support systems and coping mechanisms I have in place. 

When the only thing I could blame my infertility on was anxiety, I felt I had no way out. Despite my years and years of learning to cope with anxiety, I have not once felt completely free from it. If not being anxious was some prerequsite to having kids, then kids weren't going to be in my picture. 

I hope no one falls for this lie like I did. I also I say this because I ask everyone to be careful about what they say as their solution, when talking with someone who is grieving and trying. SOO many people have SOOO many stories about how they just stopped trying, or just relaxed and then boom! I'm not angry. I know that everyone is just trying to help. Ultimately, I'm in control of my reaction, but for someone who has a disorder that prevents me from relaxing, it really got to me. 

From that point on, I got defeated. It was my fault, and I couldn't fix it. It wasn't until my Grandma reminded me of the truth. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. It's not your fault....it's his. 

Again, I say all of this to hope others know that they are not alone. I hope this week the 1 in 6 can be empowered and encouraged, and the 5 in 6 can be aware that "trying" to conceive isn't fun or easy for everyone. 

Let us Not Forget to Remember: God is good, when life is not.

Sometimes when you watch the news or even scroll through facebook, it is easy to get discouraged. Sometimes it feels like the world is falling apart, and maybe it is.

In my personal life, one of best friends in high school passed away. It had been a while since we were close, but it was a grief I've never experienced before. As 16-year-olds, we talked about death a lot. Maybe we were realists, but I think it had something to do with the reality of our relationship with the Lord. We were beginning to understand that life, real life, was to be with God, and so death was something that brought us into a truer version of life.

And even though I know she's dancing at the feet of Jesus, and experiencing true joy and freedom right now, you can't help but ask why?  She was 24 years old. She had plans and dreams for the future.  You also think of the people she left behind. She married her boyfriend in the hospital mere days before she died. Life isn't good right now, not good at all.

Not to mention the day she died there was also a mass shooting in El Paso. Life didn't seem good. I'm not trying to minimize the good because I'm beyond blessed, but death gives us a perspective and frames our life in a way that is hard to shake.

This world is broken. There is depravity and hatred. There is so much we can't understand. Why would someone shoot so many people? Why would a 24-year-old die from cancer? We get so broken and lost that we will search for anything to blame. We blame the government, we blame the location, the security, the people around us. We can't explain it, no matter what we do. 

The only way to explain it is sin. We live in a fallen and broken world with a bunch of fallen broken people. How could it not be crazy?

But God is still good?

Yes, because God came down into this messy stupid world because He loved us, and died for us and because of that he claimed victory over sin and death.

He's won!

Death was arrested. 

But how can that be? I just attended a funeral. I very much know that death is a reality. 

We are in the already and not yet phase of this beautiful story the Lord is writing. God has won, but He hasn't come back to claim his earth.  We've had D-day but no V-day.

So, that is why we can sing and shout that we are free and death was arrested, even at a funeral.

Life doesn't make sense, because it shouldn't. It's already but not yet. God is good, even when life isn't.

So what do we do?

We hope and long for the day of victory. We enjoy the good things in the world because they are glimmers of what is to come in the future, and we pray our loved ones get to see heaven too.

What's Beyond Beyond Perfection?---Reflection and Report

You may have heard but I just wrapped up the world premiere production of my original musical, "Beyond Perfection." It had 9 performances in my lovely hometown of Grapevine, TX. 

Many people have asked, how does it feel to see your work on its feet?

And to be quite honest, I still don't know how to feel.  I've spent the last 2.5 years waiting for this moment, and I will spend more months waiting for Beyond Perfection to grace the big stage.

I've felt more emotions than can be described in a measly blog post, but I will try to express each one anyway.

Photo Cred: Antonio Thomas

I've felt pure joy. There is nothing like getting to live in the world that you've created and getting to share that world with others. Writing can often be a lonely process. In the beginning, Chandler, Ainsley, and Aiden started as figments of my, and my fellow collaborators', imagination and slowly became my friends. I found myself seeing bits of them in my everyday life, and wanting to turn to my classmate or workmate and say "wow, that was such an Aiden thing to do?!" I would then soon realize that they don't know him. Now, they do. When we talk about the year 2020 at work, I can start rapping "2020 2020" and they get it. What an immense pleasure and joy that is.

I've felt pure gratitude. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but it truly takes a community to raise a musical, and wow words cannot express the gratitude I feel for my community.  My second parents came out of the woodwork to pray for me, buy and sell tickets, and perform acts of service.  Friends came out to support me.  Sponsors graciously bought ads for my programs and continuously went above and beyond to support my work.  My team and crew stepped up, filled in and performed duties way beyond their job description. For all of this and so much more, I'm beyond grateful.

I've felt bravery and fear. They can coexist. If you know me or have read my blog before, you know that I struggle with fear, and I would be lying if I said this process was easy.  It is purely terrifying to write. I've never been a parent, but all I know to compare this to is parenthood. When you write, you create something that is as much a part of you as it is a part from you. You care deeply about it, as it is your heart, and guts spilled out on the table for all to see.  With this comes fear.  But God who is rich in mercy gave me bravery.  As a director, you are out of control because once the curtain goes up, you have to trust you've taught your actors what to do.  As a writer, you are wondering if you've done enough. Is this the right draft? Is it finished? Will they like it? Will they get it? and I'm not sure if those questions go away.  And with that, you stare fear in its face, and you have to continually make the choice to move forward to the next reading, next draft, next stage, and next show.

Photo Cred: Antonio Thomas

I've felt grief. As mentioned earlier, a musical is like a child. You raise it and take care of it, and as it grows your role shifts and changes.  Now, I feel like my child is 18 ready to go off to college. I'm still involved but not nearly as involved as I was year one. I'm ready for it to be shaped by other production companies, directors, producers...etc.   As I'm happy that it's ready to be launched into the world, as well as having an empty house so to speak, I'm also sad because Beyond Perfection has been my world for a long time. I'm not saying that I'm leaving Beyond Perfection by any means. I will continue the work, but it will be in a new territory.  I also grieve the absence of the precious friends I've made along the way. The actors, the collaborators, the teammates, the family, the friends.

Lastly, I'm dumbfounded and awestruck.  I can't believe that my musical was seen by over 400 people. I can't believe I had 17 actors that bought in. Actors that loved my story, loved my music. Actors that were writing fan fiction backstage, and using my songs as audition songs. I'm dumbfounded that I found a stage manager, Harper Hadley, that helped with everything from sound, to set, to costumes, to props. I can't believe a critic came to review my play and liked it.  I can't list all the miraculous things that happened, but I'm dumbfounded that time and time again when I didn't know what to do or when I felt it was all over, God provided a way, and I hope that I will be dumbfounded and awestruck for a long time to come. 

So, I promised a report. Here it is...

--About 450 people attended.
--The Soundtrack and merch was bought
--John Garcia's The Column published an amazing review by Holly Reed
--Audiences came from all over to see the show
--Audiences raved about it and came to argue with the critic
--Actors were touched by the story
--The story moved people to tears
--The message touched many others

So what's Beyond Beyond Perfection?

--I hope to take Beyond Perfection to another stage, whether that be a local theatre company, professional theatre company, or Off-Broadway. I will keep you posted

--Stay tuned for the album release on iTunes, Spotify, and other online distributors.

--I will be working on two more musicals. The next a musical adaption of "The Scarlet Letter" with Christine Hand Jones

--I also will be releasing a worship EP focusing on the topic of Anxiety in the months to come.

Thank you to everyone that came to see the show, and supported in any way. This experience will always be close to my heart. I can't say it was perfection, but if you'll humor one more, I can say it was truly Beyond Perfection.

Let Us Not Forget to Remember: The Power of Presence

With Christmas behind us, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on why Christmas is so special. 

Two weeks ago, I talked about why we love traditions and how Christmas reminds us of God's faithfulness.

However, there is another reason why Christmas is special. I always wondered why we made such a big deal of Christmas as Christians. I mean isn't Easter where we celebrate the big stuff, the fact that He died for our sins and rose again from the dead!

Yes, Easter rocks. It's when we celebrate the victory.  However, Christmas is where we celebrate that God came in the first place. 

We celebrate that He is here. He is alive, and He came for us. 

He left heaven and was born as a baby to come for us. 

In an age of technology, we have the simulation of presence all the time.  The distance between people gets shorter with Facetime and technology. 

However, there is nothing like presence. Trust me I've been dating someone long distance for a little bit now, and it's hard.  You can talk to them all you want over the phone, and even see them on camera, but it doesn't compare to their presence. 

When God came to earth, He gave us his presence.  Before yes we communed with Him, in magnificent ways.  There was fire, there were mountaintop experiences, but at Christmas, He came and visited us.  He was here.

Not only that, He came so that we could have communion with him forever.

and because he came all those years ago, we can experience the power of His presence today and every day. 

So, yes Easter still has a significant place in my heart, but Christmas just got a little more special, because I don't know about you....but there are many moments I need to remember that He is here.

So, let us not forget to remember the power of His presence.

Let Us Not Forget to Remember: God never changes

What is it that we like about the holiday season? Is it the sweets, the chocolate? The days off work? Time spent with family?

While all of those are valid reasons and probably true, but I would venture to guess that there is another reason that is a big part of it. 

Tradition.


We may be caught in traffic every day for no reason. We may be up to our eyeballs in shopping lists, and our calendar may be full with lots of Christmas parties.

However, there is something about knowing that some things never change.

It's the one time of year where you here old songs, and I mean old songs on the radio.  It's one of those times where you do the same thing every year because it's a tradition.   There's the same old tree, with the old ornaments and there is something calm about that. It's a time for nostalgia for doing things the same way because that's the way it always was.

Why?

I believe there is a deep deep longing inside each of us that wants stability.  We are in a world that is constantly changing and yet inside we long for stillness. We wish the world would just slow down for a minute. 

Why?

Because we are longing for Jesus.  Our heart longs for stability and stillness because we have a God-sized hole.  We are longing because we are caught in the already but not yet of the redemption story.  God did come and set us free, however, He will come again and redeem all of heaven and earth.  We long for this, and all of creation is crying out for a savior. 

The world is crazy and things are constantly changing, but I praise God because He is faithful.  I praise God because He never changes.  This knowledge provides me with a peace that the world can not simply give.

He is the one thing I can count on. 

Even Christmas, as sure as it is, will change on us.  Family members will leave us.   People will get married and have to split time.  Kids will grow out of there favorite Christmas pajamas.

So when you are overwhelmed by change this year, or longing for stability.... 

let us not forget to remember that when the world is constantly changing, we have a God that never changes, a God that is the same yesterday, as He was today, as He will be forever. 

Praise God! Lord, help me never to forget.

Let Us Not Forget to Remember: God's plans are better than our own!

Starting in 2017, I branded every year with a motto.  It gave me some sort of goal to shape the planning of that year.

In 2017, it was my "Live It Up Year." Wow! 2017 was amazing.  I felt at the beginning of this year that nothing could top it.  I traveled to Italy and tried the best pasta you could ever imagine, I got lost in Venice, I sang in the Vatican, I went on a ski trip with my friends, I traveled to Greece with my family, I got to lead worship with a full orchestra in the Adirondack mountains, I won a scholarship, and I worked for the GRAMMY's and got to go to ACL and the GRAMMY Christmas party.

Well, It seems like I have to follow my own advice because I've forgotten how awesome that year was!

This brings me to this year, 2018, I mean how could I top last year? I had to come up with a motto. So I landed on "Dream God-sized dreams!" I knew a lot was going to change this year with me graduating and all and I didn't want to sell God short.

However, I was disappointed.

To me, God-sized dreams were having my musical performed in New York, or getting a job in New York, or having some nice awesome pad with amazing roommates.

To me, a God-sized dream was having a job come in my timing, and everything to work out the way I want it.

Whoa, how selfish am I?  I had forgotten God's voice.

Elijah was on the mountain and where was God's voice? It didn't come in the fire no, or the wind no, or the earthquake no!  It came in the still small voice.

I love what God asks here in 1 kings 19, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

What are you doing here, Kenady?  Why were you looking for me in the fire, and the earthquake, when my still small voice is better.

I forgot that God-sized dreams cannot be limited by my expectations no matter how big my expectations are.

And guess what? My Kenady-sized dreams may have not come true but what I got is so much better.

I graduated from an awesome school.  I've gotten to do three amazing readings of my musical, and joined this amazing mastermind group that inspires me to produce! I get to be an officer for the Texas Business Hall of Fame with some awesome people.



I still got to Camp-of-the-Woods and let me tell you, the Lord redeemed and worked so much in my life there!

I met an amazing Godly man who reminds me that simple things are often the sweetest, and I got a job at an amazing place, the Southern Baptists of Texas Convention, that provided me with a camp years back that I cherished in high school.

I got to sing and dance! I got to worship, and I made/continued friendships that I hope will last a lifetime!

God is good.

So in short, I may not have been dancing in Venice or performing on Broadway this year, but the God-sized dreams that God had for me were so much better.

This year was truly amazing and awe-inspiring! What will 2019 be like?

So let us not forget to remember his still small voice, and that his plans are way better than our own!

Let us not Forget to Remember: What Gods Already Done.

One of the inspirations for this blog were the Israelites! Those annoying Israelites!

They sat complaining in the desert! They wanted food, and then when they got the food they didn't like the food! They wanted a home, but they didn't want to have to fight to get it! They loved God and then they hated Him. They were the epitome of whatever Katy Perry was talking about in that song.

Reading through those chapters of the bible I got annoyed.  Those Israelites are quite the whiny bunch!

But then I look in the mirror and realize that the reason I hate them so much is they often look a lot like me.  I am the discontented, whiny, hot and cold Israelite.

Why? Because I forget to remember.

Then I noticed that generally, the Israelites would complain in a season of wilderness, but that the season of wilderness was generally right after a season of Providence.

So the ticket to not being a whiny Israelite is to look and remember what God has already done.

For example: When we are tempted to complain about manna, we should remember that God had just rescued us from slavery! He had thrown crazy plagues on the Egyptians and He had split the red sea in two!

Wow! So instead of being flabbergasted by what had just happened. They are focused on the manna in the wilderness.   There are hills and valleys in this life, but we make the valleys a lot deeper by not remembering what happened on the hill.

Wildernesses generally directly proceed times of great success.

Take Graduation for example. You are so excited about what God has done, and the amazing education you've just received, and all the awesome memories you've made.  Then fast forward a few months and we're complaining because the reality isn't what it's cracked up to be. We're doing our time eating manna while we are waiting for the promised land.

However, we have a choice. We can complain about the manna, where we are right now. Or we can remember all the amazing things God has just done.

I've never been married but I'm sure it's the same way.  You have this wonderful special wedding where all your friends and family bless your relationship before God and men, and then you have this amazing vacation where you spend time loving and doting on one another.  Then you come home to a little more honeymoon as everything is new and fresh.  And then, probably about a year in. All the newness fades. The morning breath is real, the finances are tight, the house is dirty, and you're both busy and stressed. That's when the real marriage starts, and the real beauty is at.  But at that moment you can choose to run, or complain that your wife/husband is not who you thought or expected. Or you can remember all that God has already done to get you to that point.

Let alone God has already died for us so that we can be free.  He is our true husband who has done all to win us and cherish the church that is his bride.

It's in the wilderness we get to remember what he has already done.  That he is already paid the price, and we've been set free. We were enslaved and He moved heaven and hell to rescue us.

So let's stop complaining about the stupid manna, and rejoice that we have the perfect Husband who has set us free!

Let Us Not Forget to Remember: God's Not Done Yet.

A few weeks ago beautiful flowers were delivered to me.  All the flowers were in full bloom except my favorite ones: Lilies.  They were just about to bloom.

This did not disappoint me. This excited me! I got to watch all my lilies bloom one by one.  It was magical and beautiful! Getting to watch my flowers grow into full beauty right before my eyes was the best part! It was a joy seeing my flowers grow and change every day. I rejoiced in the process. 

Why don't we look at our lives like that?  

Colossians 1:9–12

And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him: bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy; giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. (ESV)

Sometimes I look at seasons of my life and I see flowers that have yet to bloom.  

When I look at my life now and compare it to my dreams and the callings that the Lord has put on my life, there is a stark difference. 

I begin to wonder. Am I in the wrong place? Did I hear God's call wrong? Are my dreams too big? Am I being too hopeful to believe that God wants those things for me?

That is when I must remember the flowers. God has a perfect design.  God is in the process of making things bloom, and it is our privilege that we get to watch.  

God's not done yet. 

1 Thessalonians 5:24

He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it. (ESV)

If God called you, He will make it happen.  He doesn't say that He will maybe do it, or might do it, or even that He could do it or that He would do it.  He says that He will surely do it. 

And for someone as suspicious as me, that's quite encouraging. God can't lie so when He says He's sure. He's sure!! 

Wow, God's not done yet! 

God knows what he is doing, and we are right where we are supposed to be.  

So, let's look at our unopened lilies with expectancy, not dread or frustration. Let's have patience with joy knowing that we get the privilege of watching our flowers bloom.  

Sometimes the most joy is in the process, and so today let's remember that. 

Let's not forget to remember that God is not done yet. 

Lord, Let us be content with where we are and expectant of where you are taking us. Let us look at our flowers yet to bloom and give us patience with joy as we know you are not finished with us yet and there is so much beauty yet to come. 

Let us not forget to remember: God defines us

I stare into the face of the interviewer as he asks, "Tell me about yourself"

Well, where do I start?

I put on my best outfit and made sure my resume was combed as well as my hair-do. I researched the company, and read the job description. Yet, their questions...

As a college graduate, I guess I was naive to think that I wouldn't end up here.

I guess I thought that a job would fall right into my lap.  Wow, stupid me.

But the lack of a job isn't what has me down, it's the lack of direction I feel. 

Who am I really, and who do I want to be?

I'm not sure where I'll be in 5-10 years, and that's just as scary as it is exhilarating.  I always wanted a life of adventure, the life of performing and the life that God had called me too, but I didn't know that there'd be so many hills and valleys.

Who am I? Who do I want to be?

Well for starters, I am scared and angry.  I'm a servant of the Lord who is just waiting for the Lord to give her direction, and I feel like He is silent.  It is moments like these when I would define myself as:

Lost, confused, broken, hurt, angry, and somewhat like failure.

Yet, in the car today I was listening to Lauren Daigle's song "You Say"

"You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours"

It struck me that I was once again, I was letting my circumstances define me rather than the Lord.

Job or no Job, I'm a child of God

In times of waiting, I'm a child of God

In times of surrender, I'm a child of God

In times of doubt, I'm a child of God

In times of victory, I'm a child of God

Our circumstances don't define us any more than they define God.

Wow, how great is that.

So let us not forget to remember, that no matter where we are in life, God defines us as his own.

Let us not Forget to Remember: No Fear in Love

The verse "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear" 1 John 4:18 has always baffled me. 

It seemed the more I loved people, the more I began to fear it.  For, people that I loved or wanted would let me down, making it harder each time to open up my heart.  

Fear and I go way back.  It was practically an imaginary friend.  Fear told me to not trust the dark, and to never go alone.  Fear told me to hold back.  Fear told me don't love because you might not receive it in return.  

Fear became so close to me. Fear was so near that I wondered if love was even possible. 

Fear, I resented.  Fear held me back. I tried to turn my back on fear, but I had failed to truly embrace courage.  

I used God as my security blanket. Instead, of being filled with the rich love of the Lord, and letting that be an outpouring of my life.  I barricaded my heart.  I was content in the Lord yes, but I was selfish with his love. 

Using God as a security blanket is indeed selfish.  Then, I realized something. Fear is selfish, too. If you struggle with clinical anxiety, I'm not talking about you.  But I am talking about those of us that make security an idol.  That, my friends, is what hinders love. 

In this light, the verse makes perfect sense.  Love is bold and brave.  Love means getting out of your comfort zone.  Love means loving even if there is a chance that you won't be loved in return.  There is no fear in love because in it's purest nature love is selfless.

Now, this doesn't mean we should abandon all wisdom.  I'm not saying recklessly give your heart away.  No,  trust God to show you how to love...the verse goes on to say that "We love because he first loves us."  God fills us with every need.  God is the best friend you could ever have, He is the best spouse, and He is an almighty God.  He has everything we need, and that should make us brave.  

So why doesn't it?  Contentment in the Lord means being okay with being alone, but it also means being brave when your not. 

So, let us not forget to remember that God called us to love, and to be so content with his love that we can love without fear. 

Graduation-Commencement: What I learned, and What's Next?

I graduated last week, with a two for one deal.  I got my MBA and B.S. in Music Business all in one fail swoop.  I walked across the stage, and just like that, I was handed two very expensive sheets of paper.  It was over. It was done. 

Graduation is the closing of a chapter.  Graduation signifies that you have become ready to face the next season and the next chapter of life.  I believe that many of us see graduation as the end when it is just the beginning.  It's called commencement for a reason.

Over the last season of my life with my commencement approaching, everyone asks what's next? They ask about the future, and what you have to look forward to.  This is a beginning after all. 

However, today I ask, why has no one asked, "What have you learned?"  I have graduated from this college season, that should ultimately prepare me for my new beginning. 

Two many times, I've seen people quick to hurry to their "next," without taking the time to reflect on what got us there. 

Through faith, I know that God has prepared me for my next, my next-next, and my next-next-next.  Therefore, sometimes the past is the key to discovering what's next.

The past season of my life at college is a story of tremendous growth with the Lord.  I want to talk about that! And sure, if you then want to hear what's next, I'll gladly tell you what I know.  I know some details, but mainly I know what's next is mainly the same, tremendous growth with the Lord through different circumstances. 

So, you ask, What did I learn?

I learned how to deal with roommate conflict (living with four other girls in an apartment is never easy)

I learned that no one is perfect...not even my best friends

I learned that I'm not perfect...I'm selfish and prideful, what a tough pill to swallow.

I learned that when you plan an event, it almost never goes the way you plan, just like life.

I learned that God is the greatest friend of all.

I learned how to celebrate and rejoice when immense blessings come into my life

I learned how to grieve and mourn at the feet of Jesus when heartache is present

I learned how to better lead my peers, through positivity and grit.

I learned that professors are some of the greatest friends and role models life could offer.

I learned that at the end of the day, it's just me and God, and that's better than okay.

I learned that God knows what you need, and ultimately He is enough for me.

I learned how to work better with others, through countless trial and error.

I learned how to be a better friend.

I learned how to be a better daughter.

I learned how to be a better student.

I was tested, I was molded, and I was changed. 

I gained freedom from lies, and strongholds in my life, and I gained knowledge in how to fight and persevere through the thorns in my side. 

Looking back, I see many trials that I've been through the past five years, but then I see the person God has made me be through those, and I wouldn't change them for the world. 

I'm on the path to being mature and complete, like James 1:2-4. 

So, What's next? 

I'm on the path of redemption.  I want to be a small part in redeeming the world.

I'm on the path of God's glory.  God will be glorified in my life, whether I'm apart of it or not.

I'm on a path of trials but ultimately victory, because my God is on my team. 

I know some details, but not all.  However, I know the big picture. 

This path leads me closer to God, and that is a victory.  God is enough.  And as long as I'm on a journey with God, becoming more mature and complete, that's okay with me. 

I Can

How many times do we wait for others to give us permission to succeed?  We wait for the applause before we perform, we wait for the money before we sell, and we wait for others to confirm we are going the right way before we take a step in that direction.

Isn't this people-pleasing wrapped up in a pretty bow, but instead of doing something to please people, we are waiting to please people before we start doing it.

However, tonight I've decided something.  I've decided that I can.

I'm no longer going to wait for others permission to succeed.

See I always thought this was a humility thing.  You know sit at the lowly spot at the table and wait for the host to move you to the greatest seat.  However, I was sitting at the wrong table.

I sit at the lowly spot at my teacher's table, or my friend's table, or even at the table of the person I happen to be in charge of.  Humility is not sitting at these tables, pride is found here.  I'm waiting for their approval, for them to move me up, for them to tell me I have the ability to succeed.

I should be sitting at the Lord's table.  I sit in the worst spot at his table, and yet he blesses me beyond all that I've ever imagined.  He raises me up when I don't deserve it.  The relationship with the Lord shows me both that I absolutely cannot, but with Him, I can.

I can be freed from other people's permission, opinions, or approval.  I can walk boldly to the path the Lord has called me on.

I can fight the enemy.  I can win this battle.

I don't need your permission because I absolutely cannot, but with Him, I can.

So many times have I masked my own pride in my humility.  So many times I turned to others when I should have been on my knees.

So many times I've counted on others permission to succeed.  So many times I've waited for someone to help, when I've had everything I need.

I absolutely cannot, but with Him I can.

Freedom from Fear: let's stop it from ruining our lives.

So, I don't know about you, but I get scared of just about everything. Rational and irrational.  Rational: losing the people I love, irrational: I'm convinced I'm going to get sick and throw up on stage.  Rational: blind spots in the car, irrational: there is someone hiding behind my shower curtain.  I'm not playing, I'm serious.

However, as I've grown-up, I've realized how much these fears have hindered me from living for God, and enjoying the good things He has blessed with.

I went on a ski trip this past week.  I love to ski; I think it is so fun. However, I'm kinda terrified of looking down the face of the mountain and knowing that is only me and two boards of plastic getting me down.

Then, I realized something.  When I get scared, I dig in and break hard core, and on the snowy days we were having it was causing me more problems,
then if I had just made my s shapes all the way down the mountain.

It got so bad, the second day. I really wanted to do this tree run.  I love tree runs, they are something new and fresh I get to explore.  So, I get to the top of the tree run break, look down, and realize I'm about to go down this thing and I don't think I want to.  I'm screaming down going "I'm not sure I want to do this" and people at the bottom and the ski lift are yelling back "you can do it." So I do it, but only my way. To gain control, I e
nd up breaking, which I shouldn't have, and I get stuck. So stuck someone had to come help me or I was headed straight for a tree.

I wanted to "feel" like I was in control, and ended up causing more problems for myself.  There were many tree runs, that would have allowed me to get some air, but I would break too hard and miss out.
We do this in life don't we.  God gives us a great tree run, a break from our everyday, which we get to use our gifts and talents to glorify him, and yet we crave control.  We feel like it's all going to fast, so we break and end up heading straight for a tree instead.

What are we doing?  Let's stop breaking through life.  Am I saying you should go barreling down the mountain, no that's a sure way to get hurt.  I'm saying that yes,  take it all in, but don't break so hard because you want control.

I need to trust the Lord that He has got me.  The Lord that made the mountain, I think can keep me upright on it.  He doesn't need my hands gripped so tight on the reigns, that I never enjoy the ride.

I didn't go down the black...btw

So will you join me?  Let's take those tree runs, and gets some sweet air, because we don't need to fear when the Lord who made them is on our side.

I hope for people to read my blog, is that wrong?

Is it wrong to hope for things?  Like is it wrong to want things?  I want good grades, and I want my family to be healthy and I hope that this holiday season is a time that I can grow in relationship with them.

Is is wrong to hope for big things? Girls, is it wrong to hope to get married one day? Is it wrong to hope for family.

I don't think it is wrong to hope for things, but I think it's wrong to place our hope in things or people.

If my hope is in getting good grades, then when I get a bad grade my heart is broken.  If my hope is in getting married, and I never do then I will live a miserable life constantly feeling lonely and misunderstood.

However, If my hope is in God, then I have the confidence to hope for things.  Since, I know that God wants my good as well as values my growing character, I can trust whatever answer to my hopes comes my way.  When I fail a test, my heart might hurt but I will be able to rest in knowing that God is still my God whether I get an A or fail.  When I get married, I can freely thank Him for giving me something that I desire but also putting that desire in my heart.

Now, when we hope in the wrong things, it can be relatively easy for us to pinpoint.  We can see how much we are willing to do to keep it.  If you are willing to lie, manipulate, or do anything to compromise your values to keep something, chances are your hope is in it. Because hoping in God allows us to do the right thing even when it's hard because we trust Him to work it all out in the end.

Now, I've realized I have put my hope in myself.  This causes me major anxiety and I don't want to hope for things because I'm worried that they will fail or I'm not good enough.  If I hope for something, and it fails.  It becomes my fault for wanting it to happen.

Yet, when am I going to realize that I don't have to do things on my own.  I was walking with one of my friends the other day and I was trying to carry my bags and lift my skirt up at the same time and I was fumbling all over the place.  My friend was like "I can carry your bag?".  Isn't this what we do with God?  We are so stressed trying to hold up everything in our lives because we think it's on us, when God is trying to say "I'm here, I can take that from you"

Now, when we give our bags to God it leaves us with empty hands.  Hands we can serve and love and trust and hope with.  Yet, our heart is in God, and our anchor rests in him.  So, if we lose something we hope for, it's only a penny in the grand scheme of things because we have hope in something that is so much greater than anything we can hope for.

God wants us to love things and hope for things, but we won't be fully free to do that until we have our hope in Him.

When we have are hope in God, we are free to take risks because we have nothing to lose because we know that everything to gain is already in him.

Therefore, we can hope for things, and take a risk because we know that all that is to gain is from God anyway.

So let us trust in God, and Hope in Him.  So we can live fearlessly, we weren't made to live this life alone, so let us put our trust in Him.

You're a flower about to bloom!!

If i'm going to be real, it's been a hard go of it. God has been chiseling me, and it's hard.  Through this time God has given me three songs.  One was called Idol factory, and since then God has been taking away idols, I didn't even know I had. The second song was called "Be Still".

Be still and know that I am God Psalm 46:10

He is been telling me to be confident and hopeful about what is to come because He is my God.
The stillness has been hard since I like to keep moving, yet I am trying to persevere and wait for the time appointed.

The third song, I finished tonight, and it's called "Prune me".  I was praying and asking God to heal me and to prune me.  "Consider it pure joy you say, Be still you say well now there is nothing in my way, so prune me, mold me, I know you're chiseling to reveal your beauty. So take away what's in my way, prune me, for your glory" After this prayer, I looked up to a bouquet of flowers my roommate got me and when she had first gotten them the lilies hadn't bloomed yet, yet today they are blooming!

I felt God say, "Look that's you, you are a flower about to bloom" I am a caterpillar about to become a butterfly.

The work that it takes for a flower to bloom is a lot.  It has to go through struggles and times of being still yet one day it is going to bloom.

So take heart, o brokenhearted, you're a flower about to bloom!

Dads, Pursue your Daughters

I'm writing this to you today because I opened up my college mailbox which I infrequently check and found two notes from my dad.

The notes were simple. One was a post card and the other was a nice papyrus card.  However, they were quick notes of encouragement.  One thanking me for going on a trip with him to San Francisco and the other telling me how great of a time he has had this summer spending time with me.

These simple notes made my day and maybe my week.   Humans were made with a capacity to love and be loved.  Our heavenly father fills this.  However, it the busyness of live we may forget just how much God sees us and loves us.  Our earthly dad can easily remind us of this.

I love my father and his words mean the world to me. Being a girl is hard these days.  We know we can find our worth and value in Christ, but we still long for someone in this world to pursue us and to find us special.

Dads make us feel special.

Dads make us feel wanted, cherished and loved.

So, dads I encourage you to pursue you daughters.  Take her on dates.  My dad and I went to the daddy daughter dance every year until I was too old to go and now instead we go to a nice restaurant.

Teach you daughters what they are supposed to look for in a man, although I'm sure they could never find someone as great as you.  Every time my dad does something great, I'm reminded that it just got a little harder for the man I will one day marry.

You set the bar.

Yet, you also there when a guy doesn't meet the bar and we are left sad and confused. On days like these we are reminded that we will always have a guy in our life and this guy loves us and thinks we are special.  You remind us that this isn't the end of the world because we have you and not only that we have God.

For if you love us this much, then how much more does God love us.

So, Dads please pursue your daughters because no one on earth can do it better than you can.

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Well, sometimes my prayer life feels like that buffering screen.  I feel like my answered prayers in the past few months have left me at dead ends.  I'm not sure if I should turn around or wait for God to open the door. 

Just like in netflix when we see the buffering screen, we want to exit out and start again.  Maybe even restart the computer or reboot the wifi.  We try anything to make the waiting go away.  However, the more we click the more that spinning wheel keeps on spinning.

Waiting is so hard that we try filling our life with other meaningless things.  We try to forge a new path, our own path.  Just think about Abraham,  God promised him a son which already seemed impossible.  I mean he wasn't getting any younger.  The spinning color wheel kept spinning so he decided to beat down the dead end of the maze. He ended up with a son but because he did it his way instead of God's way, there was a lot of scars to be felt.  I mean what do we expect!  There is going to be more hurt and pain when we beat down a door instead of letting God open it in his time.  For more on God's timing read about how there is such thing as a good gift at a bad time.

I love to know God's plan and I love to be busy doing something.  It's very hard for me to realize that sometimes God's plan is for me to wait and do nothing.  I feel like I'm being sidelined to be a bench warmer, but in reality God is doing a new work. 

Think about it, when the computer is buffering, it means it is working so hard that you have to stop working so it can finish.  It's the same thing with God. 


Sometimes for him to do a deep work, I have to cease to work.  Sometimes my business has to stop, for his to begin. 

Isaiah 43:18-19: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland"

He loves me, He loves me not!!

In the theme of genuine Christianity, I'll be honest sometimes I forget that God loves me. I guess my intellectual self has a hard time not going through periods of doubt. 

We all want to be loved and so since I wasn't so sure that God loved and approved of me, I looked to functional gods to do the trick. I've been reading this book called "No other gods" by Kelly Minter. It's so good. If you are a person, you should read it. Anyway she talks about how we can look to other people to give us the love we desire instead of looking to god. 

This is honestly something I struggle with. I've idolized my parents approval for years and I've idolized my best friend. However, it has been the worst when I'm interested in someone. 

Quite frankly, I'm tired of it. It is exhausting!!

Relying on someone other than God to fill your heart is kinda of like this...

*not my picture btw 

Today on an island, we climbed through these rock caves on the beach. We climbed under rocks and over rocks, through rocks and between rocks. It was quite a workout after a day of busy activities, and when that was done we walked across more beach under some trees into a very pretty area where I found a rock shaped like a heart. Wow!! That's really cool...so I picked it up wanting to take it back to keep. So I had to carry the very heavy rock back through the caves of rocks. Up the stairs and down the stairs, through rocks and under rocks. Then I had to put on my snorkel gear and swim back to our dingy with the not so light rock. 

The burden of longing for love is kinda as heavy as this rock.  I've lugged and dragged my heart too long. 

Jesus said that his yoke is easy and his burden is light. I to be reminded of Gods love for me this week. I mean I found a heart rock that's pretty cool!! However, I want to keep this rock as a reminder that I can't go through life on my own. I can't carry my heart..Jesus can though. 

Just imagine if I could have swam without my rock..I would have had a free hand to hold someone I love. Loving people no longer becomes a burden but a joy. 

When we know Jesus loves us and that He gives us all the love we could ever need than we no longer need to carry our heavy hearts!

I pray that we give our heavy hearts to Jesus so we can know his love more than ever, for his yoke is easy and his burden is light!

A Fake Engagement Ring!

Imagine this…a beautiful charming man gets down on one knee and proposes.  Your heart swells with excitement and you say "Yes." You spend the next few weeks planning your future together and it seems to be a bright one.  

Then, one day you realize that your ring isn't a real diamond and  you confront him.  Yes, a ring is just a ring, but it is also a symbol.  You realize that maybe his love for you isn't genuine or authentic.  He isn't the real deal.  

I tell this story to remind you that we all crave the real, authentic and genuine things.  Some of us in this pursuit find ourselves settling for the superficial, but the superficial never leaves us satisfied.  

So, I am a Christian and because I want something real and genuine it leads me to Christ.  Well, as Christians we are supposed to image Christ to the world.  Our role as Christians are to be real, honest people on the narrow road toward Christ.  

In my next few blog posts I'm going to talk about how important genuine Christianity is in our world especially for those of us who live in an America, and for those reading who are not Christians I might just answer some of your questions.  

So first, why is genuine Christianity so important?  You show how much a item is worth by how much you pay for it correct?  Well as Christians, we are asking non-Christians to give their life for Jesus, now that is a high cost.   

I wouldn't give my life for anything fake just like I wouldn't pay the full price of a diamond for a fake engagement ring.  No!! If I'm going to pay the genuine price, then I expect the fully certified diamond to end up in my hand.

I think that sometimes as Christians we think that the best way to evangelize to people is to show them how perfect our life is.  If we could just tell them that with Jesus that our life is perfect and that everything is happy and great, then they might just want to except Jesus Christ.  Well that isn't true!! 

tbh, life is really hard.  The struggle is real and when your a Christian there is an enemy constantly trying to beat you up.  However, God is with you, and He gives you a hope to know that this life that genuinely sucks isn't what you are living for because you are living for a God who is faithful and will always be there when the world is crashing down all around you.  

When I went to public school, I also felt the need to be a perfect person, and to represent Christ by not showing any weakness.  However, this is contrary to the gospel!  My friend said it perfectly yesterday, "when we declare we are Christians, we are saying that we are so wretched and so sinful that someone had to die for us." That is the genuine gospel.  

Perfect people are intimidating.   I mean if there really was a perfect person.  When we try to be perfect the world is just waiting for us to screw up, which we will.  Yet instead of trying to be perfect, we should be pointing to the perfect God.  

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me" 2 Corinthians 12:9

He is glorified when we admit our weaknesses and tell the world that the only hope that we have in being a person that makes less mistakes than we do is because God has saved us from the pit that we have put ourselves in.  

If we are truly a Christian, then we have been honest with ourselves and our God that we are sinners who are dependent on God.  Well, it's time we were honest to the world as well, for this is the only way God can be glorified.  

I will leave you with this thought….Sunsets are beautiful, however the colors that make them so pretty are made by the pollutions in the sky.   If we allow God to shine through our weakness, then we can be something as beautiful as a sunset.  So, lets start being real.  

For the worn out…we are in the year of jubilee

When I look at myself, I see someone who is spiritually bankrupt.  This desert has been tough, however the Lord has been faithful to continually reveal himself to me.  This semester while being spiritually dry has also been busy and I've been running around doing a lot of things and there were many times this semester I just wanted to escape and be done.  In the middle of it all, I went to a women's conference here at school.  I only had time to go to one session but I am so glad I did.

 I was doubting my salvation because I wasn't reminding myself of grace and I was just so tired of beating myself up trying to prove to myself that I was okay.

In the sermon this Godly women took us to the pages of Isaiah 61 and compared it to Luke 4.  Luke 4 is the passage where Jesus is in the synagogue reads a passage from Isaiah and sits down and says "Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing"(Luke 4:21)

What passage was fulfilled that day you ask? Well he read the first verses of Isaiah 61.
 
                                                                                Isaiah 61:1-3

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

    because the Lord has anointed me

    to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

    to proclaim freedom for the captives

    and release from darkness for the prisoners,

 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

    and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,    

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

    instead of ashes, 

the oil of joy instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

    instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

    a planting of the Lord

    for the display of his splendor.

So, I don't know about you but when I read Isaiah I always get a little confused.  So what is this talking about?  It is talking about the year of jubilee.  So back in the days of Israel, most of us know that there was a sabbath day.  Well, there was also a sabbath year.  So after six years of planting crops, the seventh year they would not work and they would allow the land to rest as well.  Now, after the seventh seventh year, there would be a year of jubilee.  This passage is talking about this year, or the year of our Lord.  

Now a few things happen during the year of jubilee:

1. All debt is cancelled

2. All Land is returned to it's original owner

3. Slaves were freed

4. All were given a new beginning

5. Economy was balanced

If the year of jubilee were to happen today, it would be as if you had no college debt anymore!! No debt at all.  There would be no rich man or poor man all would be equalized and we were given the chance to completely start over.  

Well, why am I talking about his ancient practice?  Jesus read it aloud in the synagogue and said that He had come to fulfill it.  

This means in Christ we are always in a spiritual year of jubilee!! This means that:

1. Our sin debt is cancelled

2. We return to our maker

3. Once a slave to sin, we are freed to serve Christ

4. We are given a new beginning

5. There is a level playing field at the foot of the cross

Wow!! after hearing this message I felt like Jesus was saying to me, "Kenady stop being so hard on yourself!" I am living in the year of jubilee so these things are all true.

The year of Jubilee frees us from comparison to others because we are all equalized by the blood of Jesus, and it gives us freedom that the bondage of sin gives us.  Most importantly, it gives us an assurance of our salvation because our salvation is not based on works rather it is based on the blood of Christ. 

God has given me a car and still I forget about his wonderful grace.  I may be spiritually bankrupt but that is the point "God's power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9. When I stop trying to prove to myself that I'm okay, and start believing that Jesus came to earth so that I could be free,  God is glorified.  In my mess, God is brought higher, my sin debt is cancelled and I am made free.  

He has anointed us which means he has chosen us to proclaim this truth to the world.  To tell all about how they can live in a constant state of year of jubilee, and in that we will be oaks of righteousness because we will be declaring the Lord's glory and that will be our reputation. 

So for the burnt out…let's stop running around trying to be perfect and instead rest in knowing that we are in the spiritual year of jubilee.