#1in6

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. In honor of this week, I felt like it was time to share my struggle with infertility. Up until now, it's been too hard to share this publicly. However, now that I'm ready to share, I hope that for others that are apart of this club they won't feel alone. 

Let's just say I'm a passionate all or nothing person. So, when it came time for my husband and I to talk about having kids, there was a bit of a "do or do not, there is no try mentality." I had lots of research. I had tracked my cycle for 2 years. I had done preliminary fertility tests just in case. So that when we started "trying," whatever part was in my control I didn't leave up to chance. I can be a little (not a little) Type A, obsessive in the details, and a control freak. I thought maybe just maybe these idiosyncrasies would be in my favor this time not to my demise. 

Not this time...

Every month is like an emotional rollercoaster of hope and disappointment. As a believer, I started questioning my faith. Maybe I just don't have enough faith, hope, contentment....something. Maybe there is a lesson. Well, if so, I'm going to hurry up in learn it because I'm not sure I can take one more month on this rollercoaster. 

Let me just pause and say this is terrible theology. God if full of grace and mercy. A gracious and merciful God doesn't withhold good gifts just to spite you. You don't have to earn his gifts. If you did, you never could. However, I will say as a recovering legalist, that lie is a familiar one. 

In the days when my cycle would start over, and all hope was lost. I would cry, throw a fit, get angry, sob...let's just say go through the stages of grief. In the early parts "trying", I was mad at myself, like come on it's just been a couple months why are you so sad. In the later months, I was mad at myself for getting my hopes up again and again. 

Having faith in God, isn't about having faith that he will do something, it's having faith in what he's already done. It wasn't about my faith or my hope or the lesson I was inevitably going to learn. Quite frankly, I'm not sure what it is all about, but what I do know is that on the darkest nights, the nights when I wanted to turn and walk away, God held me fast. 

So, yes. I'm 1 in 6. My husband and I are unlikely candidates. We are young, healthy and there is nothing medically wrong that would say it wouldn't have happened for us. Yet, month after month, it didn't happen. 

This would be a long post, if I explained everything I went through last year, but I do want to say one thing. After 6 months of trying, I went to "natural" doctor. They tested a ton of things and I left feeling like everything is wrong with me. They had all these reasons that may be contributing factors to why I couldn't get pregnant. But nothing was a clear sign, and even they said there is no reason you can't get pregnant naturally. So, I left that appointment and the seed of a lie began to fester. It's because of your anxiety.

If you know me, anxiety has been the thorn of my side for a long time. It's the battle I fight each morning. Most days I'm high-functioning but only because of my support systems and coping mechanisms I have in place. 

When the only thing I could blame my infertility on was anxiety, I felt I had no way out. Despite my years and years of learning to cope with anxiety, I have not once felt completely free from it. If not being anxious was some prerequsite to having kids, then kids weren't going to be in my picture. 

I hope no one falls for this lie like I did. I also I say this because I ask everyone to be careful about what they say as their solution, when talking with someone who is grieving and trying. SOO many people have SOOO many stories about how they just stopped trying, or just relaxed and then boom! I'm not angry. I know that everyone is just trying to help. Ultimately, I'm in control of my reaction, but for someone who has a disorder that prevents me from relaxing, it really got to me. 

From that point on, I got defeated. It was my fault, and I couldn't fix it. It wasn't until my Grandma reminded me of the truth. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. It's not your fault....it's his. 

Again, I say all of this to hope others know that they are not alone. I hope this week the 1 in 6 can be empowered and encouraged, and the 5 in 6 can be aware that "trying" to conceive isn't fun or easy for everyone. 

Let us Not Forget to Remember: God is good, when life is not.

Sometimes when you watch the news or even scroll through facebook, it is easy to get discouraged. Sometimes it feels like the world is falling apart, and maybe it is.

In my personal life, one of best friends in high school passed away. It had been a while since we were close, but it was a grief I've never experienced before. As 16-year-olds, we talked about death a lot. Maybe we were realists, but I think it had something to do with the reality of our relationship with the Lord. We were beginning to understand that life, real life, was to be with God, and so death was something that brought us into a truer version of life.

And even though I know she's dancing at the feet of Jesus, and experiencing true joy and freedom right now, you can't help but ask why?  She was 24 years old. She had plans and dreams for the future.  You also think of the people she left behind. She married her boyfriend in the hospital mere days before she died. Life isn't good right now, not good at all.

Not to mention the day she died there was also a mass shooting in El Paso. Life didn't seem good. I'm not trying to minimize the good because I'm beyond blessed, but death gives us a perspective and frames our life in a way that is hard to shake.

This world is broken. There is depravity and hatred. There is so much we can't understand. Why would someone shoot so many people? Why would a 24-year-old die from cancer? We get so broken and lost that we will search for anything to blame. We blame the government, we blame the location, the security, the people around us. We can't explain it, no matter what we do. 

The only way to explain it is sin. We live in a fallen and broken world with a bunch of fallen broken people. How could it not be crazy?

But God is still good?

Yes, because God came down into this messy stupid world because He loved us, and died for us and because of that he claimed victory over sin and death.

He's won!

Death was arrested. 

But how can that be? I just attended a funeral. I very much know that death is a reality. 

We are in the already and not yet phase of this beautiful story the Lord is writing. God has won, but He hasn't come back to claim his earth.  We've had D-day but no V-day.

So, that is why we can sing and shout that we are free and death was arrested, even at a funeral.

Life doesn't make sense, because it shouldn't. It's already but not yet. God is good, even when life isn't.

So what do we do?

We hope and long for the day of victory. We enjoy the good things in the world because they are glimmers of what is to come in the future, and we pray our loved ones get to see heaven too.

What's Beyond Beyond Perfection?---Reflection and Report

You may have heard but I just wrapped up the world premiere production of my original musical, "Beyond Perfection." It had 9 performances in my lovely hometown of Grapevine, TX. 

Many people have asked, how does it feel to see your work on its feet?

And to be quite honest, I still don't know how to feel.  I've spent the last 2.5 years waiting for this moment, and I will spend more months waiting for Beyond Perfection to grace the big stage.

I've felt more emotions than can be described in a measly blog post, but I will try to express each one anyway.

Photo Cred: Antonio Thomas

I've felt pure joy. There is nothing like getting to live in the world that you've created and getting to share that world with others. Writing can often be a lonely process. In the beginning, Chandler, Ainsley, and Aiden started as figments of my, and my fellow collaborators', imagination and slowly became my friends. I found myself seeing bits of them in my everyday life, and wanting to turn to my classmate or workmate and say "wow, that was such an Aiden thing to do?!" I would then soon realize that they don't know him. Now, they do. When we talk about the year 2020 at work, I can start rapping "2020 2020" and they get it. What an immense pleasure and joy that is.

I've felt pure gratitude. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but it truly takes a community to raise a musical, and wow words cannot express the gratitude I feel for my community.  My second parents came out of the woodwork to pray for me, buy and sell tickets, and perform acts of service.  Friends came out to support me.  Sponsors graciously bought ads for my programs and continuously went above and beyond to support my work.  My team and crew stepped up, filled in and performed duties way beyond their job description. For all of this and so much more, I'm beyond grateful.

I've felt bravery and fear. They can coexist. If you know me or have read my blog before, you know that I struggle with fear, and I would be lying if I said this process was easy.  It is purely terrifying to write. I've never been a parent, but all I know to compare this to is parenthood. When you write, you create something that is as much a part of you as it is a part from you. You care deeply about it, as it is your heart, and guts spilled out on the table for all to see.  With this comes fear.  But God who is rich in mercy gave me bravery.  As a director, you are out of control because once the curtain goes up, you have to trust you've taught your actors what to do.  As a writer, you are wondering if you've done enough. Is this the right draft? Is it finished? Will they like it? Will they get it? and I'm not sure if those questions go away.  And with that, you stare fear in its face, and you have to continually make the choice to move forward to the next reading, next draft, next stage, and next show.

Photo Cred: Antonio Thomas

I've felt grief. As mentioned earlier, a musical is like a child. You raise it and take care of it, and as it grows your role shifts and changes.  Now, I feel like my child is 18 ready to go off to college. I'm still involved but not nearly as involved as I was year one. I'm ready for it to be shaped by other production companies, directors, producers...etc.   As I'm happy that it's ready to be launched into the world, as well as having an empty house so to speak, I'm also sad because Beyond Perfection has been my world for a long time. I'm not saying that I'm leaving Beyond Perfection by any means. I will continue the work, but it will be in a new territory.  I also grieve the absence of the precious friends I've made along the way. The actors, the collaborators, the teammates, the family, the friends.

Lastly, I'm dumbfounded and awestruck.  I can't believe that my musical was seen by over 400 people. I can't believe I had 17 actors that bought in. Actors that loved my story, loved my music. Actors that were writing fan fiction backstage, and using my songs as audition songs. I'm dumbfounded that I found a stage manager, Harper Hadley, that helped with everything from sound, to set, to costumes, to props. I can't believe a critic came to review my play and liked it.  I can't list all the miraculous things that happened, but I'm dumbfounded that time and time again when I didn't know what to do or when I felt it was all over, God provided a way, and I hope that I will be dumbfounded and awestruck for a long time to come. 

So, I promised a report. Here it is...

--About 450 people attended.
--The Soundtrack and merch was bought
--John Garcia's The Column published an amazing review by Holly Reed
--Audiences came from all over to see the show
--Audiences raved about it and came to argue with the critic
--Actors were touched by the story
--The story moved people to tears
--The message touched many others

So what's Beyond Beyond Perfection?

--I hope to take Beyond Perfection to another stage, whether that be a local theatre company, professional theatre company, or Off-Broadway. I will keep you posted

--Stay tuned for the album release on iTunes, Spotify, and other online distributors.

--I will be working on two more musicals. The next a musical adaption of "The Scarlet Letter" with Christine Hand Jones

--I also will be releasing a worship EP focusing on the topic of Anxiety in the months to come.

Thank you to everyone that came to see the show, and supported in any way. This experience will always be close to my heart. I can't say it was perfection, but if you'll humor one more, I can say it was truly Beyond Perfection.

Let Us Not Forget to Remember: The Power of Presence

With Christmas behind us, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on why Christmas is so special. 

Two weeks ago, I talked about why we love traditions and how Christmas reminds us of God's faithfulness.

However, there is another reason why Christmas is special. I always wondered why we made such a big deal of Christmas as Christians. I mean isn't Easter where we celebrate the big stuff, the fact that He died for our sins and rose again from the dead!

Yes, Easter rocks. It's when we celebrate the victory.  However, Christmas is where we celebrate that God came in the first place. 

We celebrate that He is here. He is alive, and He came for us. 

He left heaven and was born as a baby to come for us. 

In an age of technology, we have the simulation of presence all the time.  The distance between people gets shorter with Facetime and technology. 

However, there is nothing like presence. Trust me I've been dating someone long distance for a little bit now, and it's hard.  You can talk to them all you want over the phone, and even see them on camera, but it doesn't compare to their presence. 

When God came to earth, He gave us his presence.  Before yes we communed with Him, in magnificent ways.  There was fire, there were mountaintop experiences, but at Christmas, He came and visited us.  He was here.

Not only that, He came so that we could have communion with him forever.

and because he came all those years ago, we can experience the power of His presence today and every day. 

So, yes Easter still has a significant place in my heart, but Christmas just got a little more special, because I don't know about you....but there are many moments I need to remember that He is here.

So, let us not forget to remember the power of His presence.

Let Us Not Forget to Remember: God never changes

What is it that we like about the holiday season? Is it the sweets, the chocolate? The days off work? Time spent with family?

While all of those are valid reasons and probably true, but I would venture to guess that there is another reason that is a big part of it. 

Tradition.


We may be caught in traffic every day for no reason. We may be up to our eyeballs in shopping lists, and our calendar may be full with lots of Christmas parties.

However, there is something about knowing that some things never change.

It's the one time of year where you here old songs, and I mean old songs on the radio.  It's one of those times where you do the same thing every year because it's a tradition.   There's the same old tree, with the old ornaments and there is something calm about that. It's a time for nostalgia for doing things the same way because that's the way it always was.

Why?

I believe there is a deep deep longing inside each of us that wants stability.  We are in a world that is constantly changing and yet inside we long for stillness. We wish the world would just slow down for a minute. 

Why?

Because we are longing for Jesus.  Our heart longs for stability and stillness because we have a God-sized hole.  We are longing because we are caught in the already but not yet of the redemption story.  God did come and set us free, however, He will come again and redeem all of heaven and earth.  We long for this, and all of creation is crying out for a savior. 

The world is crazy and things are constantly changing, but I praise God because He is faithful.  I praise God because He never changes.  This knowledge provides me with a peace that the world can not simply give.

He is the one thing I can count on. 

Even Christmas, as sure as it is, will change on us.  Family members will leave us.   People will get married and have to split time.  Kids will grow out of there favorite Christmas pajamas.

So when you are overwhelmed by change this year, or longing for stability.... 

let us not forget to remember that when the world is constantly changing, we have a God that never changes, a God that is the same yesterday, as He was today, as He will be forever. 

Praise God! Lord, help me never to forget.

Let Us Not Forget to Remember: God's plans are better than our own!

Starting in 2017, I branded every year with a motto.  It gave me some sort of goal to shape the planning of that year.

In 2017, it was my "Live It Up Year." Wow! 2017 was amazing.  I felt at the beginning of this year that nothing could top it.  I traveled to Italy and tried the best pasta you could ever imagine, I got lost in Venice, I sang in the Vatican, I went on a ski trip with my friends, I traveled to Greece with my family, I got to lead worship with a full orchestra in the Adirondack mountains, I won a scholarship, and I worked for the GRAMMY's and got to go to ACL and the GRAMMY Christmas party.

Well, It seems like I have to follow my own advice because I've forgotten how awesome that year was!

This brings me to this year, 2018, I mean how could I top last year? I had to come up with a motto. So I landed on "Dream God-sized dreams!" I knew a lot was going to change this year with me graduating and all and I didn't want to sell God short.

However, I was disappointed.

To me, God-sized dreams were having my musical performed in New York, or getting a job in New York, or having some nice awesome pad with amazing roommates.

To me, a God-sized dream was having a job come in my timing, and everything to work out the way I want it.

Whoa, how selfish am I?  I had forgotten God's voice.

Elijah was on the mountain and where was God's voice? It didn't come in the fire no, or the wind no, or the earthquake no!  It came in the still small voice.

I love what God asks here in 1 kings 19, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

What are you doing here, Kenady?  Why were you looking for me in the fire, and the earthquake, when my still small voice is better.

I forgot that God-sized dreams cannot be limited by my expectations no matter how big my expectations are.

And guess what? My Kenady-sized dreams may have not come true but what I got is so much better.

I graduated from an awesome school.  I've gotten to do three amazing readings of my musical, and joined this amazing mastermind group that inspires me to produce! I get to be an officer for the Texas Business Hall of Fame with some awesome people.



I still got to Camp-of-the-Woods and let me tell you, the Lord redeemed and worked so much in my life there!

I met an amazing Godly man who reminds me that simple things are often the sweetest, and I got a job at an amazing place, the Southern Baptists of Texas Convention, that provided me with a camp years back that I cherished in high school.

I got to sing and dance! I got to worship, and I made/continued friendships that I hope will last a lifetime!

God is good.

So in short, I may not have been dancing in Venice or performing on Broadway this year, but the God-sized dreams that God had for me were so much better.

This year was truly amazing and awe-inspiring! What will 2019 be like?

So let us not forget to remember his still small voice, and that his plans are way better than our own!

Let us not Forget to Remember: What Gods Already Done.

One of the inspirations for this blog were the Israelites! Those annoying Israelites!

They sat complaining in the desert! They wanted food, and then when they got the food they didn't like the food! They wanted a home, but they didn't want to have to fight to get it! They loved God and then they hated Him. They were the epitome of whatever Katy Perry was talking about in that song.

Reading through those chapters of the bible I got annoyed.  Those Israelites are quite the whiny bunch!

But then I look in the mirror and realize that the reason I hate them so much is they often look a lot like me.  I am the discontented, whiny, hot and cold Israelite.

Why? Because I forget to remember.

Then I noticed that generally, the Israelites would complain in a season of wilderness, but that the season of wilderness was generally right after a season of Providence.

So the ticket to not being a whiny Israelite is to look and remember what God has already done.

For example: When we are tempted to complain about manna, we should remember that God had just rescued us from slavery! He had thrown crazy plagues on the Egyptians and He had split the red sea in two!

Wow! So instead of being flabbergasted by what had just happened. They are focused on the manna in the wilderness.   There are hills and valleys in this life, but we make the valleys a lot deeper by not remembering what happened on the hill.

Wildernesses generally directly proceed times of great success.

Take Graduation for example. You are so excited about what God has done, and the amazing education you've just received, and all the awesome memories you've made.  Then fast forward a few months and we're complaining because the reality isn't what it's cracked up to be. We're doing our time eating manna while we are waiting for the promised land.

However, we have a choice. We can complain about the manna, where we are right now. Or we can remember all the amazing things God has just done.

I've never been married but I'm sure it's the same way.  You have this wonderful special wedding where all your friends and family bless your relationship before God and men, and then you have this amazing vacation where you spend time loving and doting on one another.  Then you come home to a little more honeymoon as everything is new and fresh.  And then, probably about a year in. All the newness fades. The morning breath is real, the finances are tight, the house is dirty, and you're both busy and stressed. That's when the real marriage starts, and the real beauty is at.  But at that moment you can choose to run, or complain that your wife/husband is not who you thought or expected. Or you can remember all that God has already done to get you to that point.

Let alone God has already died for us so that we can be free.  He is our true husband who has done all to win us and cherish the church that is his bride.

It's in the wilderness we get to remember what he has already done.  That he is already paid the price, and we've been set free. We were enslaved and He moved heaven and hell to rescue us.

So let's stop complaining about the stupid manna, and rejoice that we have the perfect Husband who has set us free!