Let's just say I'm a passionate all or nothing person. So, when it came time for my husband and I to talk about having kids, there was a bit of a "do or do not, there is no try mentality." I had lots of research. I had tracked my cycle for 2 years. I had done preliminary fertility tests just in case. So that when we started "trying," whatever part was in my control I didn't leave up to chance. I can be a little (not a little) Type A, obsessive in the details, and a control freak. I thought maybe just maybe these idiosyncrasies would be in my favor this time not to my demise.
Not this time...
Every month is like an emotional rollercoaster of hope and disappointment. As a believer, I started questioning my faith. Maybe I just don't have enough faith, hope, contentment....something. Maybe there is a lesson. Well, if so, I'm going to hurry up in learn it because I'm not sure I can take one more month on this rollercoaster.
Let me just pause and say this is terrible theology. God if full of grace and mercy. A gracious and merciful God doesn't withhold good gifts just to spite you. You don't have to earn his gifts. If you did, you never could. However, I will say as a recovering legalist, that lie is a familiar one.
In the days when my cycle would start over, and all hope was lost. I would cry, throw a fit, get angry, sob...let's just say go through the stages of grief. In the early parts "trying", I was mad at myself, like come on it's just been a couple months why are you so sad. In the later months, I was mad at myself for getting my hopes up again and again.
Having faith in God, isn't about having faith that he will do something, it's having faith in what he's already done. It wasn't about my faith or my hope or the lesson I was inevitably going to learn. Quite frankly, I'm not sure what it is all about, but what I do know is that on the darkest nights, the nights when I wanted to turn and walk away, God held me fast.
So, yes. I'm 1 in 6. My husband and I are unlikely candidates. We are young, healthy and there is nothing medically wrong that would say it wouldn't have happened for us. Yet, month after month, it didn't happen.
This would be a long post, if I explained everything I went through last year, but I do want to say one thing. After 6 months of trying, I went to "natural" doctor. They tested a ton of things and I left feeling like everything is wrong with me. They had all these reasons that may be contributing factors to why I couldn't get pregnant. But nothing was a clear sign, and even they said there is no reason you can't get pregnant naturally. So, I left that appointment and the seed of a lie began to fester. It's because of your anxiety.
If you know me, anxiety has been the thorn of my side for a long time. It's the battle I fight each morning. Most days I'm high-functioning but only because of my support systems and coping mechanisms I have in place.
When the only thing I could blame my infertility on was anxiety, I felt I had no way out. Despite my years and years of learning to cope with anxiety, I have not once felt completely free from it. If not being anxious was some prerequsite to having kids, then kids weren't going to be in my picture.
I hope no one falls for this lie like I did. I also I say this because I ask everyone to be careful about what they say as their solution, when talking with someone who is grieving and trying. SOO many people have SOOO many stories about how they just stopped trying, or just relaxed and then boom! I'm not angry. I know that everyone is just trying to help. Ultimately, I'm in control of my reaction, but for someone who has a disorder that prevents me from relaxing, it really got to me.
From that point on, I got defeated. It was my fault, and I couldn't fix it. It wasn't until my Grandma reminded me of the truth. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. It's not your fault....it's his.
Again, I say all of this to hope others know that they are not alone. I hope this week the 1 in 6 can be empowered and encouraged, and the 5 in 6 can be aware that "trying" to conceive isn't fun or easy for everyone.
